Friday, September 12, 2014
1 month since everything happened.
First day I did not lay my eyes on him at all.
Feeling down.
Miss him so much.
Is he posting those song lyrics for me? Like he left those notes for me.
Longing for something so deeply but not being able to have even a sliver of it, is the worst feeling in the world.
Why did I let myself fall in love someone when I knew it always had to end?
Why did I let him become my sole source of happiness, my everything?
Without him I have nothing left but empty memories. Memories of him telling me I was important to him, that he needed me, that he loved me.
I feel myself going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining (so much), depression, but cannot get out from the last step to acceptance.
First day I did not lay my eyes on him at all.
Feeling down.
Miss him so much.
Is he posting those song lyrics for me? Like he left those notes for me.
Longing for something so deeply but not being able to have even a sliver of it, is the worst feeling in the world.
Why did I let myself fall in love someone when I knew it always had to end?
Why did I let him become my sole source of happiness, my everything?
Without him I have nothing left but empty memories. Memories of him telling me I was important to him, that he needed me, that he loved me.
I feel myself going through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining (so much), depression, but cannot get out from the last step to acceptance.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
One of the most depressing birthdays ever.
-Unable to contribute anything to meetings
-Not even getting CC'ed on bugs or many pex related emails; Nobody knows who I am despite working 3.5 yrs there
-People at work think I'm weird...not doing anything for b-day, giving weird responses to various topics.
-Asking stupid questions on class forum. Getting condescending replies.
-Having trouble with HW - will never understand concepts enough to go into design
-Ate TV dinner alone at home. Ate 2 dinners just because. Then watched lecture.
-Chen getting awesome present from Ray. I get stupid plushies and then eat TV dinner alone.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Today was fun enough for me to want to record and remember. I was a bit down in the morning about work stuff and not having direction in life, but that was quickly forgotten. We got so much done today :)
- Ate at World Wrapps
- Saw Hot Tub Time Machine
- Went to Microcenter, got free 4GB Kingston USB key, Leisure Suit Larry game
- Went to randomly discovered driving range, $10 for bucket of 120 balls
- Went to Chinese shopping center, Fantasia, Chinese bookstores, got "conned" into buying $27 of beef jerkey, Pepper Lunch, Tiramisu at Sheng Kee
- Round of Glow in the Dark Mini Golf, $8/person, actually beat Robert by 6 ^__^
- Dave&Busters, addicted to coin drop game. Spent $21 total, got UCLA glove and cool transparent LCD clock, totally worth it!
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Haven't posted here in years and years, but it's the only blog I have with some privacy. And at this moment I'd like to put down some thoughts...without worrying about grammar or anyone else looking at it.
Right now...I'm sitting alone in my bedroom at 145 N El Camino apartment while Robert and his bro are outside playing Smash. This happens pretty often, but I don't want to be someone who demands that he spend time with me 24/7...Even though his friends already consider me as such. "although i seriously think ull be doing stuff for Xi haha. im 2nd tier -_-", said James to Rob on IM today. SSBB will be out in a month, so I'll be alone like this a lot more often. He's about to quit his job at FactSet, so he'll be busy transitioning as well.
Next time I am choosing someone who plays no games, period. Truthfully, I am scared. There are brief times when I am deeply dissatisfied with where I'd arrived at in life. But I am trapped. My new job is very unsatisfying but I don't think I can find anything better. I can't leave him even if I wanted because he's all I have. I pretty much have no friends and only spend time with him and his friends (who don't like me very much). My life is already deeply intertwined with his...how will I ever pull out? I really don't think I can ever find anyone better who will love me as much anyway. (David? Jimmy? Hahaha.) But, you know, it's only been 6 months, and forever is a long time. I've been overlooking the flaws but they are there. His stubbornness. His obstinate ways. His quickness to dismiss people as stupid or unworthy. His immaturity even though he is 5 years older. How mean he can be to me. Am I always to be stuck with someone who will make fun of me? It must be my fault.
I am scared because this is what I chose so that I can be happy, but I am finding myself unhappy more and more often. I see my life now, and I wonder if it will be like this until I am much older.....and how I can even change it. Luckily I didn't wait 2 years to find this out, right? Haha. Well, be thankful for what you have.....someone to love who loves you nearly unconditionally. Not everyone can find that this early in life. This is the best place you will ever find yourself in. Be thankful.
Listening to: "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift
Right now...I'm sitting alone in my bedroom at 145 N El Camino apartment while Robert and his bro are outside playing Smash. This happens pretty often, but I don't want to be someone who demands that he spend time with me 24/7...Even though his friends already consider me as such. "although i seriously think ull be doing stuff for Xi haha. im 2nd tier -_-", said James to Rob on IM today. SSBB will be out in a month, so I'll be alone like this a lot more often. He's about to quit his job at FactSet, so he'll be busy transitioning as well.
Next time I am choosing someone who plays no games, period. Truthfully, I am scared. There are brief times when I am deeply dissatisfied with where I'd arrived at in life. But I am trapped. My new job is very unsatisfying but I don't think I can find anything better. I can't leave him even if I wanted because he's all I have. I pretty much have no friends and only spend time with him and his friends (who don't like me very much). My life is already deeply intertwined with his...how will I ever pull out? I really don't think I can ever find anyone better who will love me as much anyway. (David? Jimmy? Hahaha.) But, you know, it's only been 6 months, and forever is a long time. I've been overlooking the flaws but they are there. His stubbornness. His obstinate ways. His quickness to dismiss people as stupid or unworthy. His immaturity even though he is 5 years older. How mean he can be to me. Am I always to be stuck with someone who will make fun of me? It must be my fault.
I am scared because this is what I chose so that I can be happy, but I am finding myself unhappy more and more often. I see my life now, and I wonder if it will be like this until I am much older.....and how I can even change it. Luckily I didn't wait 2 years to find this out, right? Haha. Well, be thankful for what you have.....someone to love who loves you nearly unconditionally. Not everyone can find that this early in life. This is the best place you will ever find yourself in. Be thankful.
Listening to: "Tim McGraw" by Taylor Swift
Sunday, April 25, 2004
OMG I saw Matt Groening today! We were at this book festival thing they're having on campus (there were all these authors doing book signings, but he wasn't one of them), and this guy introduced himself as Matt Groening to one of the authors doing the signings. We were too embarassed to talk to him, especially since we couldn't be sure we heard correctly. After a fruitless search through Simpsons books to find a drawing or photo of Matt Groening, Dan asked a girl who was working at the booth, and she confirmed that it was indeed him. We were going to pick out a book for him to sign, but he waddled away from the booth and we lost track of him due to his normal-ness. He was this fat guy in a plaid shirt with whiteish hair and a white beard...which described a lot of the passer-bys at the festival. Dan complained about missing the opportunity to get his autograph for the next few hours, but it was pretty cool to know we were standing within a few feet of a real celebrity. Coolness~
Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Finals are finally over. It was hell for 1.5 weeks. Most of the final grades haven't come out yet, but I already know I got an A in math (the final saved my ass...I got low B's on the midterms but a really high A on the final ^___^ Good thing the final was worth so much). Went to Daniel's house for a few days at the beginning of the break....there wasn't too much to do but it was cool. His family is super nice, as always.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
We were gonna go to the pier on Friday, but ended deciding against it because it would have been cold. So extra uneventful this week.
Just slaved away all night on the CS project. Now I can play a game of battleship between two human players, a computer player and a human player, and two computer players. I also got the tournament thing going, so one can play a series of games between any type(s) of players. All I need to write now is the class of computer players that actually doesn't suck (we need to do two AIs). It's dorky, but I think it's almost kind of cool that we can write this sort of semi-large programs now. It almost feels like a real game ^_____^ (minus the ASCII art).
Just slaved away all night on the CS project. Now I can play a game of battleship between two human players, a computer player and a human player, and two computer players. I also got the tournament thing going, so one can play a series of games between any type(s) of players. All I need to write now is the class of computer players that actually doesn't suck (we need to do two AIs). It's dorky, but I think it's almost kind of cool that we can write this sort of semi-large programs now. It almost feels like a real game ^_____^ (minus the ASCII art).
